A fear of emotional expression is one of the biggest barriers to authentic and productive conversations.
It doesn’t need to be this way. Using emotional expression as a means of resolving conflict can turn a highly emotive session into an invaluable change to build trust and create outcomes that remove common barriers to working together.
For those of us who work in the trenches of conflict resolution, keeping centered and clear when the emotional thermostat runs high is absolutely essential. Picking up on coldness, withdrawal or grief is just as important as monitoring high adrenaline emotions like anger or fear.
When taking staff out of their comfort zone, it’s great to work with experienced facilitators to impart the skill and savviness in setting up ‘containers’ for new conversations.
I could not have learned these from a book and I doubt anyone else can either. I had to watch others who could let conflict manifest itself and attune to the dynamics in the group so that they could safely come together and experiment with solutions without defaulting to the credentialed power bearers or stories of what’s been done before.
When the container sets out the bounds of psychological safety, legitimately expressed feelings instil a depth of feeling and sincerity. It is understandable why we struggle so much with this. Uncontained and expressed emotions, such as anger, can have a seriously negative impact on the atmosphere of a facilitation session, and can lead to retaliation or a move away from shared problem-solving. In some cases, relationships are permanently damaged.
The ‘container’ is a concept that translates to practice in any number of ways. You have probably heard of and been in group conversations that run on icebreakers, ground rules and parking lots. These are tools that form part of a container. A container is also a reference point for any time in a conversation when we have to come back to ground zero, reset a boundary and intention or take a break.
I work with people to mend ruptured conversations and rewire conversations, often after the most basic and simple misunderstandings. It’s hard to believe these skills are not mandated in political decision making. We are not there yet but below I share with you the general approaches you can apply when dealing with strong emotions in tricky conversations.
Discourage the expression of intense emotion.
E.g. “It’s not going to help if you get angry and shout. Let’s focus on the problem.”
This is useful when time and resources are limited and focus is paramount. It's important to be mindful of tone with comments like this. People in the grip of a strong emotion can easily pick up on the smallest hint of judgement and detached superiority. Soften first, then speak.
2. Ignore the emotion.
E.g. “I thought we were going to address the pricing issue on the whiteboard. Now, let’s see how this can be done.”
In this instance, emotion is not suppressed but is instead ignored when it arises. The facilitator moves on to using visual distraction to interrupt the hostility. Similarly, we ignore the negative emotions but acknowledge and reinforce positive ones.
3. Acknowledge the emotion and then continue.
E.g. “It sounds like your experience has made you extremely frustrated and angry. Is that correct? Well, let’s move on now and see how we can address....”
Explicitly acknowledge the emotion and its intensity, whether articulated or evident through body language. Doing this validates the emotion and requires the other participant(s) to heed this validation. It can help the emotive participant move forward.
4. Facilitate contained venting.
E.g. “I'd like to hear more about how you felt about the situation and what effect it had on you..”
This is a direct invitation to express emotion. The facilitator should give others the same opportunity. Allowing participants to air their feelings can be a much needed cleansing process which allows them to move on to problem-solving. This must be well managed, given time boundaries and must not cause damage.
This technique can be particularly useful when a participant is inhibited about expressing their feelings.
5. “Sponging”.
This technique can be used selectively to prevent high emotions from blocking a potential resolution. The facilitator “sponges”, or absorbs, some of the emotional issues while empathising with the participant(s) to enable the session to move forward.
Sponging enables the facilitator to better understand the issues surrounding the dispute. This in turn assists in dispute resolution. Keeping in mind that this is not a a substitute for counselling. Supervision or debriefing can be beneficial.
If I can help you set up your container, I'd like to hear from you at kate@katemcneill.com
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